i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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