i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
