Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
