no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
