I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
