LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
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Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
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this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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