Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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