Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize