vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
