I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
