well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
