He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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