sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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