Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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