I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
