I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
