i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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