Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
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If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
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We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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