Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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