i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
