My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
