the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
