You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
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