he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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