Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
