Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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