Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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