Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
