i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
