you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
