I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
