i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
