We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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