if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
