I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
