i will never coherently bang her
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
