I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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