i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
