I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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