the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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