3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
