somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
