Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
