It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
