That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
