i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
