how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
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