my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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