i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
