dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
