fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
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