I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
