It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
You are a genius and a whore.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
