I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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