I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
