Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
