Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
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He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
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It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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