So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
